When I was younger, I thought when someone reaches twenty three, one would become an adult. I turned 23 two weeks ago. It's my third week and heck I'm very far from it.

I'm grateful for my life. I've lived comfortably, has a fine degree, got a slice of work life and now I'm heading for an advanced degree. I should be fine, right? Well, I feel like I'm in the edge of something. I've come at the end of the road of adolescence. I feel like there are pathways in front of me, this uncharted land called adulthood, filled with choices. As with other people my age, our biggest concern is landing a job and possibly making a career out of it. I chose a path and I think I've made the right decision. But, why do I have this unsettling feeling about the future all the time? Here's what I found.

As I studied Psychology, personality tests are common practice - however I don't pay attention to it much. I know how some of them work but I wasn't curious to take one myself - up until one day, someone that I care about asked me about my Myers Briggs Personality or MBTI. You know, the four letter combinations? I know there are skepticisms, but I suppose it's human nature to find closure, to try to simply answers into categories. I took a questionable online test from this well-designed website similar to MBTI (not associated with MBTI - you have to pay for MBTI right?). My result was INFJ. Reading the profile, I agree with some parts: totally an introvert (although I must say I'm the more 'outgoing introvert' type), yes I am very touchy feely, I think for others and I'm sensitive both positively and negatively. The career section strikes me hard. I quote

Well, according to this statement, I am on the right track. However, the same person who asked me about my MBTI type also asked me if I've made the right decision. This person knows I have other interests (namely interior design and writing). To be honest, what this person said shook me. In my mind, I do still picture myself working in a magazine or owning a design firm, occupations which I dreamed about when I was in school (although I have to background in them whatsoever). This statement from the site made me second guess myself.


I trusted this person so I thought about it over and over again - which I think caused me to have this uncertainty. The number one source of uncertainty:  listening to other people's opinion. I loved my job but as I was a newbie, I thought about quitting a lot and I always think that I'm not good enough. Plus, the dilemma of Chinese parents: high expectations. Damn! Nevertheless, as I thought about it, we do have to make a decision and we have to make it quick. Time is running out! Soon, we'll be moving on to the next task of this development stage which is to be financially independent and to find a partner. If I'm not settled myself, how am I suppose to be ready for a partner? If I don't know what I want from my life, how should I know what I want in a partner? Ah yes, the hint of anxiety that has been looming about in my life. And, a high achievers problem: always have to be in the know. Vagueness and uncertainty scare me.

Number two: this wretched connectivity that is social media. Living in this age is about putting on a great 'packaging': shiny records on LinkedIn, near perfect shots on Instagram, having friends in high places of Facebook and putting smart remarks on Twitter. I get social pressure each time I open any media. This person has this job, that person got engaged. It is a nightmare. Lives are not private anymore and sometimes revealing one's life is necessary to get ahead. Heck, meeting friends are like a constant weight in itself. Some people might not get affected by this but sooner or later you have to face the fact that maybe your friends are making twice as much as you are while you're sitting watching YouTube all day. But then I realise something.

Rather than complain all day - I should actually do something. However, even when I thought I did something, sometimes it's not enough. As this excellent post called The Brain On 23, only time will tell. It is okay to be happy, confused and lonely at the same time (that Taylor Swift really represents the painful reality into songs).  I suppose it's better to be confused now then being confused later at your 30s or even 40s. Don't let other people fazes you; each of us has our own path. Sometimes I'm trapped in a state where I thought I was exceptional - well, not always. Reality hits me hard. Maybe those people with shiny name tags and even shinier pay checks are hurting inside - we never know. Now, I'm very happy to be taking this advanced degree - it's like taking that gap year I never had. Maybe I'll find myself in the land of wind and windmills. Hope can be painful but hope can drive people forward.


Always,
Hana