Over the weekend, I celebrated my 24th birthday. It was my first birthday I didn't celebrate at home. I thought turning older would entail a magical, in a snap, growth of maturity. It is a defining moment. Silly me to think that change happens overnight. On my birthday and the day after, I was still having the same old insecurities and anxieties that have been debilitating me for years.

I worry about mundane things, irrelevant and energy-absorbing thoughts to a point where they occupy a substantial thought space which actually should be more aimed towards real essentials things. I've thought about why I worry so much.  I think it's because I am constantly afraid of being embarrassed because I am not living up to what other people expects me to be. I thought I have to be a model citizen, knows how to act accordingly, be good, be someone. But, if that gives me more anxiety than good, then what's the point? I want to picture me as perfect: having a partner, achieving good results, having many friends, being able to buy whatever I want. There are a select group of people who can do them all. I am not one of those members - and on some bad days, my envy consumes me so much, I was disgusted by myself.

Not all days were bad, of course. I just realized the key to your good day (I should've known this because I freaking studied CBT) is changing your thought. I've finally realized that you can change your thoughts. If not, be mindful of it. I had a small gathering for my and a friend's birthday yesterday; a party which I felt very uncomfortable in. I would think, I wish I am good at making jokes so people can laugh with me, I wish I am good at cooking so people can praise, I wish I can bake a cake, I wish I have so many stories to tell.  In reality, I am a very serious person (with a very bad sense of humor), hates cooking but loves eating, don't really like cake, and just generally very quiet in big groups. In life, you have to be kind, not only to others but to yourself. If I'm continually having battles with myself, how can I be kind to others?

If there's anything this period of my life taught me, is that I live for myself. I'm responsible for my own happiness and I must not let others define who I am. I am me and I should be proud of it. If I can change it, by all means, change. If not, accept it.